Guatemala Days 1 and 2-Lions and Otters and Beavers and Golden Retrievers!

I'm on an adventure with a pack full of 18-20 something year olds to serve malnourished children in Guatemala this summer with this amazing Christian non-profit called Orphan's Heart. It rocks. And we interns, we rock. And starting now as my roommate Brandy is muttering in her sleep (bahahaha love you girl!), I'm determined to tell you all about what God does through me here.

On Friday, Andy and I chilled at the airport a bit before he dropped me off. He always HATES having his picture taken!!!

After I landed in Miami where we would begin our training before leaving for Guatemala on Sunday, I decided to indulge in my guilty pleasure of Spanish TV (Univision) while I chilled in the hotel . I kinda love El Gordo y La Flaca, okay?? Yes, I'm a weirdo. Anyways, for the rest of the night as my teammates arrived, we ate dinner at Chipotle and then started our first session of training at the Orphan's Heart/Florida Baptist Children's Homes Miami Campus!

Training began again early this morning at 8:30 and lasted all the way until 3. Then we stuffed packages for Howie (our director around these parts!) until 6. We were packaging BEASTS.

     


However, Howie didn't realize that he was putting me, Miss Clumsy, in charge of printing stamps for the packages. I may have messed up once..or twice..heh...sorry, Howie!!!!

Finally, we ended the day by eating at a DELICIOUS Cuban restaruant. The inner Spanish teacher in me has always dreamed of eating Cuban food in Miami. Yes, I am a SUPER dork, but dreams do come true!!! Here is my picadillo...mmmhhhhhh



So it's past midnight and I have a flight to catch to Guatemala tomorrow, yet I can't sleep because I'm thinking about the bunch God has placed together. We did this personality test thing where you're either a lion (a direct, outspoken leader), an otter (fun loving optimist), a beaver (an organized intellectual) or a golden retriever (a loyal friend)...and we have some of each. Such different people are crammed together for like 40 days and 40 nights or something like that. Ay yo. Sounds to me like Noah's arc!!!!

But I know that all of us have special and unique gifts that will allow us to serve these children in need this summer in a powerful way. We have future elementary ed teachers in our bunch, we have aspiring social workers, we have a doctor to be, and we have a Spanish/ESL teacher, too (that would be me!) All and all, I'm stoked to see how God will use us.

!Guatemala, por alla vamos!

Adventures in Love: Men, Make the First Move!

Andy and I are totally in love. We've been dating since February 2012 and well, everyday is better than the last. I've waited a long time for a love that like that :) But I may have totally missed out on one of the best things that ever happened to me if he didn't randomly send me this Facebook message one day: 

A first move is crucial for any love story to come true. The prince must pursue the fair maiden!!!!! But for all of us to live happily ever after, the guys and gals must remember a few things first.

1. Guys, be a man and pursue the girl you're interested in. You were meant to pursue. It's your nature. You were meant to hunt, to chase. In cavemen days your kind chased and killed the wildabeast for your wife's stew. It was your test of manliness. Now you shouldn't kill a nasty rodent for supper, but you need to grow a pair and flirt with the girl you like.

I say this with caution. Don't stalk her. Don't IM her on Facebook four times a day. Don't propose on the spot. But flirt. Yes, flirt, I know you know how to do it. Be where she is. Laugh extra hard at her jokes. SEND HER A RANDOM FACEBOOK MESSAGE. Talk to her, and if it goes well and she seems to respond, ask her out. 

Know why? Cuz I see too many guys doing one of two things-either thinking that it's the 21st century and a girl should be the one asking a guy out or 2. being too wimpy and whiny in their manhood to grow some and then the girl of their dreams gets whisked away by a dude who was secure in his manhood and had the guts to ask her out. 

If you ask her on a date, PAY for everything. Make it natural. Treat her like a princess. If you call her the next day and she wants to talk, good sign! But if she says she isn't interested or doesn't respond to your texts, be a man and MOVE ON. Don't pout. Don't stalk her. Don't pretend that it wasn't a date and she was stupid for calling it one. 

You're a man. Now use that manliness and stop being a sissy.

2. Ladies, give a guy a break. Oh my heavens, please stop holding guys to expectations that we ourselves wouldn't want to be held to. If you want a guy to accept that you aren't a tiny, skinny, beautiful 34 D cup blonde then don't reject him if he's not a huge, buff Leonardo Dicaprio look alike.

Now, don't give him too much of a break. Have standards, but make sure you could meet those same standards. As far as pursuing goes, let him know you're interested. Once again, SEND HIM A RANDOM FACEBOOK MESSAGE! But don't ask him out. Oh, sure guys like that. But they like a chase or they get bored. Let him pursue or don't expect it to last long.

3. If he doesn't ask you out, either he's not that into you or he's too sissy to ask you out, so he isn't for you. If she makes up excuses when you ask her on a date, she's just not that into you. 

Girls are the queens of excuses. They make us feel better emotionally:

"Oh he hasn't asked me out because his stupid ex-gf broke his heart and now he's taking it slow."

"He likes me, he's just shy."

"I know one of these days he'll wake up and see that he belongs with me."

"I just need to flirt harder."

"I should lose five pounds and wear more make-up and some better flats tomorrow. Then he will be mine."

Look, he doesn't like you and so he won't ask you out...OR he does but he's too insecure to ask you out. Either way, your crush isn't the guy for you.

Dudes....hahahahahaha this is what I hear from y'all....

"If I just pursue her harder and tell her how beautiful and wonderful she is, I can woo her."

"I think she's really busy with her studies right now, that's why she doesn't want to have coffee!"

"I know her dad is just really strict, that's why she won't go to prom with me."

Girls are emotional creatures. For the most part, it breaks our heart to break your heart. So if we don't like you, we'll come up with excuses. Mine have included:

"Oh, um my dad doesn't know you so he said no to prom. I'm sorry."

"Oh, well I'm moving to Tallahassee so I don't think we should do long distance dating. Sorry."

You get the picture. If a girl likes you, she WILL say yes..and call all of her friends about the date. If not, it's rare she'll actually come out and just say "no."

We're One Out of Five

I just read an article on NBC News that says that 1 out of 5 women have been sexually assaulted, and that number troubles me because I'm 1 out of 5 women. I've been sexually assaulted by a classmate. I absolutely hate talking about what Paul did to me that night, but other women who have or could be victims need to know my story.

Paul and I both had French class together, and one day after he asked me for help with a tricky French assignment on the computer he gave me his number. I honestly didn't think anything about it at the time since I'd often give my number out to classmates for classwork help, but in hindsight I should have then.

The night everything happened, I had invited all of my classmates for a study session at Starbucks for our test the next day. Paul was the only one who showed up. After a few minutes of studying we realized we needed my laptop for the study guide, and since it was at my apartment, we went back to my apartment to study. Once again, this was a warning sign..but I figured since my sister/roommate and her boyfriend were there nothing bad could happen. 

We stayed in the kitchen with Melissa and Jacob nearby and worked on tackling French for about an hour. After we finished, Paul said playfully "Give me a tour of your apartment!" I laughed and quickly showed him everything, then tried to usher him out the door so I could get some sleep! But for some reason he went into my bedroom and plopped on the bed. "I could stay here alllll night..this is comfy!!" (Yep, that was ANOTHER warning sign right there. Yet in the moment, there are so many little things you won't see until looking back.) I followed him in there and had a brief conversation of small talk with him with the door wide open so Melissa and Jacob could hear and see everything. Then he started teasing me and poking me with his foot. I giggled. Being a university soccer player, he was well-built and handsome. Maybe he liked me? But either way, I knew he wasn't the type of guy I wanted to date, plus it was late and I wanted to get to bed. I started to get up and he did, too, but he got up..to close the door shut tightly.

I started to sense what he wanted then, but I froze. I was so scared. Nothing like this had ever happened to be before. I didn't know what to do. Think, Caroline, think! At that point he started grabbing my legs, then my waist. A bunch of sensations went through my body. He is really handsome..maybe I am missing out on something by being a good girl after all. I didn't stop him right away because I didn't know what to do. But then I knew in my heart that I had to get away. Run away from sexual immorality, for it is a sin against the heart and the body. I started shaking and pushing his arms off of my body.

Paul started laughing. "Don't think you can push me off. I'm stronger than you" and he shoved my arms away like that. By that point, he was grabbing my breasts and I started shaking uncontrollably. 

"I've got you," he said, and was gently pushing my body against the bed. He started to press his body into mine. I couldn't take it anymore. I HAD to get away. I would say something, and if he didn't let me go, I'd scream. Run away from sexual immorality. 

"Stop. I am really, really uncomfortable with this," I quivered, pulling myself up and staring at Paul. He breathed loudly and said, "All right. That's all you have to tell me." I then told him he had to leave, and so he left.

I was a mess that night, a huge mess. I could have been raped. Even though the worst that happened was that he inappropriately touched me, I was incredibly terrified. That night Melissa, Jacob and I stayed up late for hours crying. I called my friend Matt, who came rushing to the rescue to help me. A few days later another friend of mine Ellen and I went out for lunch to talk about this terrifying event, and then I confided in my friend Emily as well over coffee. You guys are all the best for helping me get through that night.

I thought briefly about calling the police and pressing charges against Paul, but I knew that sexual assault would be difficult to prove. Yet I did have to sit through French class with him for the rest of that semester, and it was one of the worst things in my life. Every time I saw a man who looked like him on campus I felt the same fear come back again.

Ladies, be careful. ALWAYS be on your guard and never trust anyone. There were plenty of warning signs that night that I didn't see just because I let my guard down and was too trusting. If you are in that situation, think quickly and RUN AWAY. Make it clear that this is not what you want, and if he doesn't respond get out. If you have been assaulted, never think it's your fault! You did absolutely nothing wrong. However, you must forgive who took advantage of you, because otherwise you'll be haunted by him forever. Sadly, you and I aren't alone-we are one of five of every women who this has happened to. Yet we must tell our story so that this doesn't happen to the other four women.

So I don't really know how to start this blog without being cheesy. I know that I want to tell you kids about love and what it really is, but even that sounds lame. I could ask you what love is, but that sounds like a miserable Sunday School lesson. I could even name some dramatic stories of love, but that's too emotional.

But I've seen love misunderstood too many times for me to not write this blog entry. Because "love is or it ain't." People often see other things as love when it's really just attraction or selfish ambitions.

Love isn't an emotion, it's not a flowing, breathless feeling, it's not an obsession with the other person. It's not an enchantment with how perfect the other person is. It's not found in the fact that this person has every single thing you've been looking for. Love isn't believing this person will entirely satisfy you, because people are incapable of doing such. Love isn't staying with someone who harms you. Love isn't given just because someone loves you back.

Instead, love is an action, it's a thing that remains when feelings change, and surpasses merely being obsessed with someone, but instead putting their well being above all else. You might realize that there are things about their past that you wish weren't there or flaws found in who they are, yet you will forgive them and accept them regardless. Perhaps you find yourself loving someone completely different than who you'd thought you'd end up loving, but that doesn't change love. Love isn't believing this person will entirely satisfy you, but instead you trying to the best of your ability to satisfy this person and then pointing them to the One who can do the things you cannot. Love sometimes means loving from a distance and letting people go. But most of all, love is given when it is incapable of being given in return.

I've seen the absence of love when people claim to have love at first sight. That's not love, that's attraction, and while that often precedes love, that ain't love. Love isn't obsession, because I can know every fact about Barack Obama and think about him constantly, but that doesn't mean I love him. Love isn't staying with someone who is hurting you, that's just being insecure, and if someone continues to abuse you physically or emotionally, you need to love at a distance.

Yet I've seen abundant love when my parents love me even though they're upset that I totaled their car. Love is shown when a friend of mine fought hard to stay a virgin until her wedding night with desperately wanting her future husband to do the same, yet found out that her fiancee hadn't waited, yet she looks past his mistakes simply because she loves him. I see love when I watch my dad give up his Saturdays to make sure my brother whose disability prevents him from communicating have fun, even though Matthew can never tell him "I love you, Daddy." I heard about love when I learned that four of the victims in the recent Aurora shooting were boyfriends protecting their girlfriends from death.

Lessons Learned Part One

Five years may not seem like a significant amount of time to someone who's 70, 55, or even 40. But if your life consists of just 20 years like mine does, it's a pretty big chunk of time.

The years of ages 15, 16, 17, 18, and 19 were years chock full of life lessons. I cried from the consequences of my own mistakes, held my friends as they wept about theirs, and listened to the multiple warnings of my mother that I could "ruin my life in five minutes, so don't do it." I learned how fun it is to stay up late and giggle with your best girlfriends, put on make-up without looking like a clown, and how to relate to every single Taylor Swift song. I had a classmate commit suicide.

Lately I've been wishing that I could go back to the past five years and tell myself and my friends the lessons that I've learned now. There would have been far less man-hating sessions, girl drama, and indulging in chocolate chip cookies because I had an awful day and I needed some endorphins!

If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself and all of my friends in high school these things.

                                            
                                                                     Myself at 15!

1. No one is better than you, but you are better than nobody. I believe that we are all created by God and that He loved us enough to die for each one of us. We all have the same Maker, who doesn't acknowledge the difference between poor or rich, popular or unliked. When I was fifteen, I was quite shy in high school because I was scared that no one liked me. I felt like everyone else was better than me, so I was often scared of talking to people. Since I didn't have a Coach purse like the pretty blonde cheerleader, a football player boyfriend, or wear a lot of makeup, I put myself at a lower category than others. I remember eating alone at lunch for the first month of my freshman year just because I didn't think I was worthy to talk to people.

I also felt like I was better than some people. I remember stating in class once that I thought that people who wore all black had mental problems, or being arrogant towards a girl who was promiscuous. No one is better than you, sure, but you are on the same level of everyone else.

When I started to believe that I had value and everyone else had the same value I had because of God, that's when I got out of my shell and changed completely. Years later at graduation, I was voted "Class Friendliest" by my peers. And it was all because that I realized, to quote Oklahoma, "I ain't better than nobody, but I'll be darned (she says something else here, but you get my drift) if I ain't just as good!"

2. Boys aren't worth the hassle. Trying to attract a boy for my friends and I when we were 17 meant waking up 1 1/2, sometimes 2 hours before we had to leave to do our hair, make-up, find a cute outfit, and shower before heading to school..at 7:20 AM. We would go jogging 45 minutes four times a week, count calories and eat tiny lunches just to keep those pounds off. Know how many dates I went on in high school? Zero.

Trying to hold down a boyfriend often meant letting him say terrible things to you and about you, putting up with drama from his ex-girlfriends and jealous friends, and doing sexual things with him you didn't want to do. I had so many friends who gave up their virginity just to keep some idiot boyfriend for three more weeks, months, whatever. They all got dumped afterword. It really broke my heart.

Ladies, if you have to go crazy trying to attract a boyfriend, it's not worth it!!! Take care of yourself, sure, but for Pete's sake, don't go as crazy as society expects us to! I didn't go on my first date until I was 18 with a guy I met at my college, and that was when I stopped caring so much about my appearance. Ironic, eh? As I learned from experience, if you have to put up with crap to hold down a boyfriend, LET HIM LOOSE!! You don't need to be treated like a piece of dirt or giving away your virginity to some guy who can get it from any girl who's available. As I also learned from experience, when the right one comes along whenever he does, he will love you for who you are even when you're PMSing, won't pressure you for sex, and will think you're beautiful even in no make-up and a t-shirt :) It sounds silly, but girl, I LIVED this one and it's true!

I'm not quite done with my reminiscing just yet, but now it's time to meet my boyfriend for lunch and head down to my volunteer job at FSU's international student center. But don't you worry. I have quite a bit to talk about what I learned those five years.

Love Letters

Two months is a long time to be 4,000 miles away from the man you love, and two phone calls a week isn't enough to be able to say all that you want to say to him, either.

When Andy and I started to fall in love this spring, we dreaded the season that would come after spring-the summer we would face apart.You see, I felt God calling me to use my love of Spanish and the Bible to move to a tiny village called San Jose de Quero that's 13,000 ft. up in the Andes Mountains of Peru and disciple new believers for two months. While I was excited about this adventure, I knew how hard it'd be to be away from Andy for that long. He started to feel the same thing.

So then the love letters begun.

We wrote each other a letter every day, each for one of the 61 days I'd be gone. The letters started out as cute and almost puppy lovish, but grew more romantic with every day that we'd fall deeper in love. The day that I left for Lima, we exchanged our letters with tears in my eyes.

This summer, I clung to every word Andy had written me. Starting each morning with one of God's love letters in the Bible followed by one of Andy's, I'd walk into our hostel kitchen with a big grin on my face every morning. Days when I missed Andy or wanted to be reminded of all of the wonderful memories I've made with him, I'd reread yesterday's letter and count down the days until I'd run into his arms at the Jacksonville International Airport once more. It was something so beautiful to read each morning before I'd do ministry.

After nearly nine weeks of counting down the days, on July 20 I ran off that plane and into Andy's arms!!!! That night as I was getting ready for bed and starting to read my Bible, I thanked God for no longer having to read Andy's love letters but to be in his presence instead.

And suddenly it dawned on me, as I stared at God's letter of His great love for humanity. For now I only read God's love letters, but one day I'll be in his presence instead.

Oh how my heart longs for that day! To see with my own eyes and to have full understanding of the things I always asked God about on Earth. To touch love and feel Christ's nail-scarred hands, the sacrifice He made so I could be there. To be reunited with the One who I love more than anything.

Now I read His letters eagerly, but I long for the day that I'll no longer have to do that and be in His presence instead.


Andy and I the night after I got back!

God's Love

Have you read my post before this one? If not, you totally should, or if you have, go back and reread a bit of it. It was crazy, because while I was convinced that no one was noticing me, a very special man was at the exact same time I wrote that. Now God has blessed me with being able to call this guy my boyfriend. I am so thankful for the time I've had with him and for whatever God has in store!

Spending time with this amazing person next to me in this photo has made me see the greater love of God and how His love is reflected in relationships. I see it in the way people look for a companion, how people try to get to know that person, and how love is nothing without sacrifice.

First of all, we are all looking for love and acceptance. Usually this means we are looking for a significant other, but other times we just want to find this love from family or friends. There is a definite need in the human heart for love and just knowing that people will look at every part of us and see that we are good. Yet the problem with human love is that it can often be conditional. If you don't fulfill whatever goal your parents have for you, then you may find your parents don't love you as much. If you don't have sex with your boyfriend, he might leave you. If you aren't the size 6 you were when you were 23, your husband might be tempted to cheat on you. Human love fails. Yet Romans 5:28 says that "God proves His own love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Before we even loved God, when we were turned against Him, He loved us! Romans 8:38-39 goes on to say that "nothing can separate us from the love of Jesus Christ our Lord!" God will love us no matter what we do or do not do.

I've also noticed that the more time I spend with my boyfriend, the more I want to know him. The more I know him, the harder it is to say goodnight. I am always trying to get to know Andy..I want to know every little thing about him. I become closer to him by texting him often, calling him on the phone every morning, and spending every time I can with him. This need for intimacy reflects our need to know our Maker, yet we will only know God if we seek Him with all of our heart. "You will seek Me and find Me when you seek with all of your heart," Jeremiah 29:13 tells us. If you don't know God, maybe you really aren't looking.

What is love without sacrifice? Every day Andy gives and gives and gives for our relationship, and I try to give right back everything he has given me. Yet as humans, we are selfish from the start. Why do you think one of the first words of babies is "Mine!"? I feel like it's impossible with our selfish nature to give 100% of ourselves to the people we love. Yet the sacrifice of Christ surpasses all. John 15:13 says, "Greater love has no one than this; that he should lay down his life for his friends." Jesus paid it ALL for us, the condemned, the ones who deserved the judgement of God on us, with His life.

When human love reveals a greater love of God, what can we do? Seeing the love of God shows me that I am defined by that unfailing love alone, and no one else's love will define who I am. It also helps me show that love to other people, because God loves them just as much as He loves me.

But most of all, God's love is the only love that I need.