Do you ever feel ugly some days? I sure do. Today I have been lounging around the house doing nothing, so I didn't bother to put on any make-up. I haven't washed my hair since yesterday so now it's greasy and flat. I'm also wearing my old senior class t-shirt and old shorts that I wore like everyday during my days as a staffer at Camp Crestridge. I feel so nasty that I feel like putting on make-up and doing my hair just so that I'll stop feeling ugly, although I am going nowhere at 11:30 PM.
Do you ever feel fat some days? I always have. The other day I was bored out of my mind so I tried on my old bridesmaid dress from my cousin's wedding 3 1/2 years ago just for fun. I could barely get it zipped up all of the way...it was still down a bit on the top. Given, my body has developed into that of a woman's since then, but I still felt like a fat cow. Plus, with the leftover Christmas candy still at my parent's house that I haven't been able to stay out of and the brownie I just ate, I have felt huge all day today.
Do you ever feel lonely sometimes? I do today. It's depressing when it's New Year's Eve and you don't have someone you love to kiss you at midnight, even if you spent the hours before with your girlfriends like I did. Okay, I gave my dog Princess a big kiss on the head to make light of it, but I still felt lame and envious of my sister and her boyfriend who enjoyed New Year's together. Now it's New Year's day and I'm thinking about what I did last year at this time-I went to a party with a guy who I cared about very much. Things ended terribly with that relationship, and I wonder if I'll ever fall in love, much less if someone could ever fall in love with a mess like me.
I'm not saying these things so that you'll have pity on me and tell me that I'm pretty, that I have a nice, curvy body, or that my prince will come one day. Most of the time, I'm confident in who God made me-the happy, redheaded Spanish teacher- and I find my identity not in the curls in my hair, the dress size on the tag, or the relationship status on my Facebook page, but in the fact that Christ loved me enough to die for me. But some days I don't feel like that. Some days I just feel insecure.
And since I know that every woman feels insecure and faces the same feelings I face, I want you to know that you're not alone. You're not the only one who compares your appearance to that of the girl sitting next to you on the Seminole Express. You aren't alone when your friends bring their boyfriends on a night out and you're the only person sitting at the table without a boyfriend. You aren't the only one who wishes she could be 5'5'' and 115 lbs again (and is vowing to be this size again).
Do you ever feel like every other woman in the world feels like this, too? Well guess what. You should.
Caroline,
ReplyDeleteThe thing you need to know is that you aren't the only one who feels less than sometimes. You aren't the only one who feels ugly or lonely. Sometimes, we allow the hurt we have experienced in our lives to translate over into future relationships. Don't let this happen to you. The problem is not that there is a problem with you. The problem is that you are not comfortable with you. I hope my words help to assuage any sadness you're currently feeling. What feels like a state of limbo in your life is really just another part of life. There is never an in-between stage in life; you are alive or you are dead. At this point, you are alone and you feel insecure, but you are no less alive. I wish you the very best in your life and I know that things haven't been great between us in a while, but despite everything I do wish you the best.
--An Old Friend
Hey Donny!
ReplyDeleteI definitely agree with you when you say that I'm not the only one who feels this way sometimes. Unfortunately, there are many people, not just women, who feel the same way and I hope that they understand that they are not alone, that everyone feels that way sometimes. God has been teaching me lately that my value is in nothing but in the fact that "living He loved me, dying He saved me, buried He carried my sins far away." I hope that you understand that your value is not in what you have done or who you are, but in the fact that Jesus loved you enough to die for you and wants nothing more than a relationship with you. I'm pretty certain I know who you are, and I hope you know that I have no hard feelings against you and would love to hear from you.
-Caroline