We're One Out of Five

I just read an article on NBC News that says that 1 out of 5 women have been sexually assaulted, and that number troubles me because I'm 1 out of 5 women. I've been sexually assaulted by a classmate. I absolutely hate talking about what Paul did to me that night, but other women who have or could be victims need to know my story.

Paul and I both had French class together, and one day after he asked me for help with a tricky French assignment on the computer he gave me his number. I honestly didn't think anything about it at the time since I'd often give my number out to classmates for classwork help, but in hindsight I should have then.

The night everything happened, I had invited all of my classmates for a study session at Starbucks for our test the next day. Paul was the only one who showed up. After a few minutes of studying we realized we needed my laptop for the study guide, and since it was at my apartment, we went back to my apartment to study. Once again, this was a warning sign..but I figured since my sister/roommate and her boyfriend were there nothing bad could happen. 

We stayed in the kitchen with Melissa and Jacob nearby and worked on tackling French for about an hour. After we finished, Paul said playfully "Give me a tour of your apartment!" I laughed and quickly showed him everything, then tried to usher him out the door so I could get some sleep! But for some reason he went into my bedroom and plopped on the bed. "I could stay here alllll night..this is comfy!!" (Yep, that was ANOTHER warning sign right there. Yet in the moment, there are so many little things you won't see until looking back.) I followed him in there and had a brief conversation of small talk with him with the door wide open so Melissa and Jacob could hear and see everything. Then he started teasing me and poking me with his foot. I giggled. Being a university soccer player, he was well-built and handsome. Maybe he liked me? But either way, I knew he wasn't the type of guy I wanted to date, plus it was late and I wanted to get to bed. I started to get up and he did, too, but he got up..to close the door shut tightly.

I started to sense what he wanted then, but I froze. I was so scared. Nothing like this had ever happened to be before. I didn't know what to do. Think, Caroline, think! At that point he started grabbing my legs, then my waist. A bunch of sensations went through my body. He is really handsome..maybe I am missing out on something by being a good girl after all. I didn't stop him right away because I didn't know what to do. But then I knew in my heart that I had to get away. Run away from sexual immorality, for it is a sin against the heart and the body. I started shaking and pushing his arms off of my body.

Paul started laughing. "Don't think you can push me off. I'm stronger than you" and he shoved my arms away like that. By that point, he was grabbing my breasts and I started shaking uncontrollably. 

"I've got you," he said, and was gently pushing my body against the bed. He started to press his body into mine. I couldn't take it anymore. I HAD to get away. I would say something, and if he didn't let me go, I'd scream. Run away from sexual immorality. 

"Stop. I am really, really uncomfortable with this," I quivered, pulling myself up and staring at Paul. He breathed loudly and said, "All right. That's all you have to tell me." I then told him he had to leave, and so he left.

I was a mess that night, a huge mess. I could have been raped. Even though the worst that happened was that he inappropriately touched me, I was incredibly terrified. That night Melissa, Jacob and I stayed up late for hours crying. I called my friend Matt, who came rushing to the rescue to help me. A few days later another friend of mine Ellen and I went out for lunch to talk about this terrifying event, and then I confided in my friend Emily as well over coffee. You guys are all the best for helping me get through that night.

I thought briefly about calling the police and pressing charges against Paul, but I knew that sexual assault would be difficult to prove. Yet I did have to sit through French class with him for the rest of that semester, and it was one of the worst things in my life. Every time I saw a man who looked like him on campus I felt the same fear come back again.

Ladies, be careful. ALWAYS be on your guard and never trust anyone. There were plenty of warning signs that night that I didn't see just because I let my guard down and was too trusting. If you are in that situation, think quickly and RUN AWAY. Make it clear that this is not what you want, and if he doesn't respond get out. If you have been assaulted, never think it's your fault! You did absolutely nothing wrong. However, you must forgive who took advantage of you, because otherwise you'll be haunted by him forever. Sadly, you and I aren't alone-we are one of five of every women who this has happened to. Yet we must tell our story so that this doesn't happen to the other four women.

So I don't really know how to start this blog without being cheesy. I know that I want to tell you kids about love and what it really is, but even that sounds lame. I could ask you what love is, but that sounds like a miserable Sunday School lesson. I could even name some dramatic stories of love, but that's too emotional.

But I've seen love misunderstood too many times for me to not write this blog entry. Because "love is or it ain't." People often see other things as love when it's really just attraction or selfish ambitions.

Love isn't an emotion, it's not a flowing, breathless feeling, it's not an obsession with the other person. It's not an enchantment with how perfect the other person is. It's not found in the fact that this person has every single thing you've been looking for. Love isn't believing this person will entirely satisfy you, because people are incapable of doing such. Love isn't staying with someone who harms you. Love isn't given just because someone loves you back.

Instead, love is an action, it's a thing that remains when feelings change, and surpasses merely being obsessed with someone, but instead putting their well being above all else. You might realize that there are things about their past that you wish weren't there or flaws found in who they are, yet you will forgive them and accept them regardless. Perhaps you find yourself loving someone completely different than who you'd thought you'd end up loving, but that doesn't change love. Love isn't believing this person will entirely satisfy you, but instead you trying to the best of your ability to satisfy this person and then pointing them to the One who can do the things you cannot. Love sometimes means loving from a distance and letting people go. But most of all, love is given when it is incapable of being given in return.

I've seen the absence of love when people claim to have love at first sight. That's not love, that's attraction, and while that often precedes love, that ain't love. Love isn't obsession, because I can know every fact about Barack Obama and think about him constantly, but that doesn't mean I love him. Love isn't staying with someone who is hurting you, that's just being insecure, and if someone continues to abuse you physically or emotionally, you need to love at a distance.

Yet I've seen abundant love when my parents love me even though they're upset that I totaled their car. Love is shown when a friend of mine fought hard to stay a virgin until her wedding night with desperately wanting her future husband to do the same, yet found out that her fiancee hadn't waited, yet she looks past his mistakes simply because she loves him. I see love when I watch my dad give up his Saturdays to make sure my brother whose disability prevents him from communicating have fun, even though Matthew can never tell him "I love you, Daddy." I heard about love when I learned that four of the victims in the recent Aurora shooting were boyfriends protecting their girlfriends from death.

Lessons Learned Part One

Five years may not seem like a significant amount of time to someone who's 70, 55, or even 40. But if your life consists of just 20 years like mine does, it's a pretty big chunk of time.

The years of ages 15, 16, 17, 18, and 19 were years chock full of life lessons. I cried from the consequences of my own mistakes, held my friends as they wept about theirs, and listened to the multiple warnings of my mother that I could "ruin my life in five minutes, so don't do it." I learned how fun it is to stay up late and giggle with your best girlfriends, put on make-up without looking like a clown, and how to relate to every single Taylor Swift song. I had a classmate commit suicide.

Lately I've been wishing that I could go back to the past five years and tell myself and my friends the lessons that I've learned now. There would have been far less man-hating sessions, girl drama, and indulging in chocolate chip cookies because I had an awful day and I needed some endorphins!

If I could go back in time, I'd tell myself and all of my friends in high school these things.

                                            
                                                                     Myself at 15!

1. No one is better than you, but you are better than nobody. I believe that we are all created by God and that He loved us enough to die for each one of us. We all have the same Maker, who doesn't acknowledge the difference between poor or rich, popular or unliked. When I was fifteen, I was quite shy in high school because I was scared that no one liked me. I felt like everyone else was better than me, so I was often scared of talking to people. Since I didn't have a Coach purse like the pretty blonde cheerleader, a football player boyfriend, or wear a lot of makeup, I put myself at a lower category than others. I remember eating alone at lunch for the first month of my freshman year just because I didn't think I was worthy to talk to people.

I also felt like I was better than some people. I remember stating in class once that I thought that people who wore all black had mental problems, or being arrogant towards a girl who was promiscuous. No one is better than you, sure, but you are on the same level of everyone else.

When I started to believe that I had value and everyone else had the same value I had because of God, that's when I got out of my shell and changed completely. Years later at graduation, I was voted "Class Friendliest" by my peers. And it was all because that I realized, to quote Oklahoma, "I ain't better than nobody, but I'll be darned (she says something else here, but you get my drift) if I ain't just as good!"

2. Boys aren't worth the hassle. Trying to attract a boy for my friends and I when we were 17 meant waking up 1 1/2, sometimes 2 hours before we had to leave to do our hair, make-up, find a cute outfit, and shower before heading to school..at 7:20 AM. We would go jogging 45 minutes four times a week, count calories and eat tiny lunches just to keep those pounds off. Know how many dates I went on in high school? Zero.

Trying to hold down a boyfriend often meant letting him say terrible things to you and about you, putting up with drama from his ex-girlfriends and jealous friends, and doing sexual things with him you didn't want to do. I had so many friends who gave up their virginity just to keep some idiot boyfriend for three more weeks, months, whatever. They all got dumped afterword. It really broke my heart.

Ladies, if you have to go crazy trying to attract a boyfriend, it's not worth it!!! Take care of yourself, sure, but for Pete's sake, don't go as crazy as society expects us to! I didn't go on my first date until I was 18 with a guy I met at my college, and that was when I stopped caring so much about my appearance. Ironic, eh? As I learned from experience, if you have to put up with crap to hold down a boyfriend, LET HIM LOOSE!! You don't need to be treated like a piece of dirt or giving away your virginity to some guy who can get it from any girl who's available. As I also learned from experience, when the right one comes along whenever he does, he will love you for who you are even when you're PMSing, won't pressure you for sex, and will think you're beautiful even in no make-up and a t-shirt :) It sounds silly, but girl, I LIVED this one and it's true!

I'm not quite done with my reminiscing just yet, but now it's time to meet my boyfriend for lunch and head down to my volunteer job at FSU's international student center. But don't you worry. I have quite a bit to talk about what I learned those five years.

Love Letters

Two months is a long time to be 4,000 miles away from the man you love, and two phone calls a week isn't enough to be able to say all that you want to say to him, either.

When Andy and I started to fall in love this spring, we dreaded the season that would come after spring-the summer we would face apart.You see, I felt God calling me to use my love of Spanish and the Bible to move to a tiny village called San Jose de Quero that's 13,000 ft. up in the Andes Mountains of Peru and disciple new believers for two months. While I was excited about this adventure, I knew how hard it'd be to be away from Andy for that long. He started to feel the same thing.

So then the love letters begun.

We wrote each other a letter every day, each for one of the 61 days I'd be gone. The letters started out as cute and almost puppy lovish, but grew more romantic with every day that we'd fall deeper in love. The day that I left for Lima, we exchanged our letters with tears in my eyes.

This summer, I clung to every word Andy had written me. Starting each morning with one of God's love letters in the Bible followed by one of Andy's, I'd walk into our hostel kitchen with a big grin on my face every morning. Days when I missed Andy or wanted to be reminded of all of the wonderful memories I've made with him, I'd reread yesterday's letter and count down the days until I'd run into his arms at the Jacksonville International Airport once more. It was something so beautiful to read each morning before I'd do ministry.

After nearly nine weeks of counting down the days, on July 20 I ran off that plane and into Andy's arms!!!! That night as I was getting ready for bed and starting to read my Bible, I thanked God for no longer having to read Andy's love letters but to be in his presence instead.

And suddenly it dawned on me, as I stared at God's letter of His great love for humanity. For now I only read God's love letters, but one day I'll be in his presence instead.

Oh how my heart longs for that day! To see with my own eyes and to have full understanding of the things I always asked God about on Earth. To touch love and feel Christ's nail-scarred hands, the sacrifice He made so I could be there. To be reunited with the One who I love more than anything.

Now I read His letters eagerly, but I long for the day that I'll no longer have to do that and be in His presence instead.


Andy and I the night after I got back!

God's Love

Have you read my post before this one? If not, you totally should, or if you have, go back and reread a bit of it. It was crazy, because while I was convinced that no one was noticing me, a very special man was at the exact same time I wrote that. Now God has blessed me with being able to call this guy my boyfriend. I am so thankful for the time I've had with him and for whatever God has in store!

Spending time with this amazing person next to me in this photo has made me see the greater love of God and how His love is reflected in relationships. I see it in the way people look for a companion, how people try to get to know that person, and how love is nothing without sacrifice.

First of all, we are all looking for love and acceptance. Usually this means we are looking for a significant other, but other times we just want to find this love from family or friends. There is a definite need in the human heart for love and just knowing that people will look at every part of us and see that we are good. Yet the problem with human love is that it can often be conditional. If you don't fulfill whatever goal your parents have for you, then you may find your parents don't love you as much. If you don't have sex with your boyfriend, he might leave you. If you aren't the size 6 you were when you were 23, your husband might be tempted to cheat on you. Human love fails. Yet Romans 5:28 says that "God proves His own love for us in that while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us." Before we even loved God, when we were turned against Him, He loved us! Romans 8:38-39 goes on to say that "nothing can separate us from the love of Jesus Christ our Lord!" God will love us no matter what we do or do not do.

I've also noticed that the more time I spend with my boyfriend, the more I want to know him. The more I know him, the harder it is to say goodnight. I am always trying to get to know Andy..I want to know every little thing about him. I become closer to him by texting him often, calling him on the phone every morning, and spending every time I can with him. This need for intimacy reflects our need to know our Maker, yet we will only know God if we seek Him with all of our heart. "You will seek Me and find Me when you seek with all of your heart," Jeremiah 29:13 tells us. If you don't know God, maybe you really aren't looking.

What is love without sacrifice? Every day Andy gives and gives and gives for our relationship, and I try to give right back everything he has given me. Yet as humans, we are selfish from the start. Why do you think one of the first words of babies is "Mine!"? I feel like it's impossible with our selfish nature to give 100% of ourselves to the people we love. Yet the sacrifice of Christ surpasses all. John 15:13 says, "Greater love has no one than this; that he should lay down his life for his friends." Jesus paid it ALL for us, the condemned, the ones who deserved the judgement of God on us, with His life.

When human love reveals a greater love of God, what can we do? Seeing the love of God shows me that I am defined by that unfailing love alone, and no one else's love will define who I am. It also helps me show that love to other people, because God loves them just as much as He loves me.

But most of all, God's love is the only love that I need.

I have lived through 20 Valentine's Days. Oh I am ancient.

And for 19 of them (including this one), I have not had a Valentine. Sad, huh?????

You know, I used to think that my life would never be complete until I'd find Prince Charming. Somehow I thought that having a man in my life would fix things. All I wanted was someone (other than my mom) to think that I was completely beautiful on the inside and out. And sometimes I still feel this way. This weekend my best friend back home and her boyfriend came to visit me, which was awesome! But, as those two and then my sister (who I consider to be my other best friend) and her boyfriend were all hanging out, I felt kinda lame because I didn't have anyone :( Have you ever been able to relate to this?

But God has been teaching this ol' heart of mine a few things lately. For one, a relationship status does not define who I am, because love comes and goes. Don't let whether or not you have a significant other influence your confidence, because what if you lose that relationship or never get one? Let the fact that you are awesome, period, because God made you affect your confidence.

Secondly, perhaps I'm meant to be single at a time like this. I think about all of the things I'm able to do because I'm single and it's awesome! I can work with international students several hours a week, teach conversational English for three hours a week, be active in my church, and go to South America for two months this summer without worrying about a boyfriend back home. I can also focus on me! :D

Finally, people are going to let you down. Until you're happy being single, you won't be happy in a relationship. Love isn't the cure to happiness, because there are plenty of unhappy taken people, too.

Wherever you are in life, learn to be content. Focus on what you do have and realize that God will give you what you don't have when the time is right. Count your many blessings in all seaons that you're in!

On a final note, February 14 is Mexican Food Day. Who cares about Valentine's Day??? Eat Mexican food instead, people!!!!!!!!!!!!! Here is a picture of some friends and I eating Mexican food. Do this instead on February 14. I know that's what I'll be doing.

To Be Loved

I want to be loved.

I know that I have friends who love me and a family whose love would lead them to do anything for me. But I long for that "other" type of love. I want to find that man who sees every flaw and every silly thing that I do, but loves me regardless. I can't wait until I meet the person who understands me completely, who is delighted upon just seeing me walk into the room he's standing in, and who thinks so similarly to me that he can finish my sentences, yet he makes up for everything that I lack. I'm ready to be enchanted, for him to be my prince and for me to be his princess, I as the bride and he as the groom. I want to find that man who would lay down his life to save me.

Tonight I just got back from a super busy day/night at school and doing international student ministry. While I should feel strengthened, I feel discouraged instead and it has nothing to do with tonight. It's about wanting to be loved. I see my friends and family finding that type of love, but no one seems to be capable of loving me that way. I ask God, could there be something wrong with me? Maybe if I was ten pounds lighter, maybe if I did a better job with my hair and make-up, or maybe if I didn't have such a quirky personality I'd find someone.

As I start to name the list of flaws in me, tears fall from my eyes as I sink into the couch at my apartment.

"I just want to be loved, God," I whisper.

"But you are," He whispers back. Goosebumps form as I feel God's presence. Yet I laugh at God and roll my eyes.

"I know that I have friends. My mom thinks I'm cool. But that doesn't count. You know what I mean, God."

"You don't understand, My child. You are loved, more than you can imagine."

And all of a sudden it's so clear.

My Maker sees all of me, and He still says I'm good. Somehow He looks past all of my failures and calls me His child. He looks past all of my flaws and loves me anyway. I want that type of love, right?

Christ knows me better than I know myself, yet what I am not, I AM. Everything I'm not, He is.

The Bible calls the Church "the bride" and Christ is the groom. But most of all, Christ laid down His life to save me. He saw me worth dying for. Isn't that what I want most, someone who'd give up their life to save my very own?

As I become aware of these things, I conclude perhaps my desire to be loved by a man is a greater reflection of my ultimate need to be loved by God. In other words, maybe we want relationships so much because God uses them to show us how we need a relationship with the Great Romancer that no other person can fulfill.

The secret to joy is to be loved by Jesus Christ, for nothing else shall satisfy.